Time and hope to dream...

Author's Note: This is not "how I think", but it is often "what I feel". It is the bold imprint that clinical depression has embroidered upon the fabric of my life. I can sometimes look past it; but even then, it remains in my field of view. It beckons me to embrace it.

Time and hope to dream...

by Joseph Weilenbeck

Remembering forgotten places
Recalling unfamiliar faces
Grasping at the fading traces
of life's last and least remains
of tears and laughter, joy and pain
of moments not to be again.
Wondering what life can mean
When you've lost all time and hope to dream.

When yesterdays surpass tomorrows
When joys are beaten back by sorrows
And you're out of chances you can borrow
from days too short, and nights too long
with strength too scarce to carry on
until, at last, your soul gives up its song.
When the path ahead is short and mean
And you've lost all time and hope to dream.

Joseph Weilenbeck 2017

My Via Dolarosa

Author's note:  Written as a hymn several years ago, this is a reminder that we are not alone in our struggles and suffering in this life on earth. 

The street that Jesus walked on His way to the cross has been named the Via Dolarosa, which means “way of sorrows”. We, too, walk a way of sorrows as we go through life – sometimes the product of circumstances, and sometimes the direct result of our own sins or mistakes. In either case, we can feel overwhelmed by our sorrows. But we have One whom we can follow, who will then walk with us, and who has borne so much more than we will ever have to bear.

* * *

My Via Dolarosa
by Joseph Weilenbeck

O Lord, walk with me on my Via Dolarosa.
Let my every step be taken in Your will.
Correct me and reprove me.
Let Your Holy Spirit move me
Past my sorrows, Your sweet purpose to fulfill.

Though my faulty steps will oft’ cause me to stumble,
There are two truths to be counted with each fall –
My sin which does corrupt,
And my Lord who lifts me up,
For You are faithful to be with me through it all.
   
Lord, in weakness, I may pity all I suffer,
And, in shame or sorrow, mourn my every loss.
But the pain I might endure
Cannot compare with that You bore
When, long ago, You took my sins upon the cross.
   
O Lord, walk with me on my Via Dolarosa.
And, in my sorrows, may all others clearly see
There is not so great a pain
That You cannot sustain
The life You purchased when You walked that street for me.

O Lord, walk with me on my Via Dolarosa.


Joseph Weilenbeck 2005

The horizon of what use to be...

Author's note: Whether it's the years or illness, I don't know. But, I find myself recalling brief moments long past - moments of no great significance - moments more simple than profound. Moments marked by things like the look of the sky, the feel of the air, the fragrance of the trees, or the feeling of vastness looking out across the desert. I can almost recall the sights, the sounds, the feeling. Almost, but not quite. And I am saddened, for each time those moments come, their stay is shorter and their clarity less. I fear that soon they will be lost forever.

* * * 

The horizon of what use to be...
 by Joseph Weilenbeck

The moments dance
before my eyes
then teasing,
run and hide where I can't see.
So, I search
and when I find
that very spot,
I look behind.
But all that I see hiding there is me.

No moments to treasure.
No moments of pleasure.
No moments lived, to be lived again.
Just the last half of a memory,
of a time and place that use to be,
on a road that cannot lead from now to then.

So, I wait in silence
patiently
for the if and when
of another one to pass.
I hold my net
and when it's time,
I take a swing
but all I find
is a prayer to God that it won't be my last.

No treasure to catch.
No pleasure to match
those moments real that now in shadows hide.
Just the taillights of a memory
on the horizon of what use to be
fading into darkness on the other side. 

Joseph Weilenbeck  2018

Life with depression...

Dawn
Dark and dreary

A lonely road

Sometimes a ray of sunshine

Sometimes a quiet meadow

But always
Another storm

Another hill

Another night
Then
Another dawn

Dark and dreary

A lonely road

A Lonely Road  © 2018 Joseph Weilenbeck

Seems the memories...

Seems the memories
now come, then flee
and disappear
behind the walls
of age and time
and my troubled mind,
no more to hear me when I call.

They show their face
then leave a space,
a void to last
forevermore.
Taking one more part
of my breaking heart,
they turn away
and close the door.

Time now lost,
its drawers all tossed
from searching for
what might remain
of distant places
and forgotten faces,
all washed away
with yesterday's rain.

My book of dreams
and plans and schemes,
it seems is nowhere
to be found.
In the fading light
of the coming night,
it's buried deep
in covered ground.

Joseph Weilenbeck 11/17/2017

O Breath!

O Breath! Why do you despise me so?
That when I bid you come,
You defiantly go

And when, though reluctant, you enter in
You stubbornly refuse
To go out again

Both coming and going, you dig in your heels
And smile at the weakness
You make me feel

O Breath! I beg you, put your fight to rest
And come and go gently
To and from my chest

Joseph Weilenbeck 04/12/2018
On my struggle with COPD

On and on and on...

I get up each morning

    and put on a smile.
I tell myself one more time,
    "Just pretend for a while."
I share a quick laugh
    with everybody I see.
And try to hide inside
    the pain that's crushing me.

Sometimes I make it,
    but sometimes I fall.
Sometimes I just wish
    they could see through it all.
But, no matter the facts,
    I keep up the act.
'Cause if I let go,
    I fear I'll never come back.

And so...

I take my show on the road,
    I drag it mile after mile.
I hold my head up
    and force smile after smile.
I say all the things
    that I'm expected to say.
If I can keep up the lie,
    maybe I'll last one more day.

And I keep hoping that I
    can bring this play to an end.
But I can't find the script
    to tell me how and when.
And I can't find the lines
    that I once knew were true.
Can't even say if this play
    will close before I do.

So, I keep up the act.
    I don't know how to turn back.
I Keep going on
    and on and on.
And I stay with the play
    day after day.
On and on
    and on and on and on.

Joseph Weilenbeck 10/15/2017